Premise
This article describes a codependent paradigm, one that codependent people operate within. If the reader belongs to this category, the reader is warned, as this article will not be easy to read. We expect the reader may completely reject this article or even become angry. This article pushes hard against the codependent paradigm, exposes it, yet the paradigm's need is to hide itself (from you, the host). This article points out the shared dynamic between a Narcissistic Paradigm and a codependent paradigm. Now, this is not to say, by any means, that any abuse by the narcissist is a fault of a codependent person and that one is responsible for such. Not at all. But there is a shared dynamic that has to be recognized and accepted in order to heal.
This article is based on a premise that we, the people, all of us, live in a Paradigm. Yet paradigms are different for different people. The reader is highly encouraged to read the paradigm article before proceeding here.
While it is not necessary, we also encourage the reader to read the Narcissistic Paradigm article.
We will show why and how the Codependent paradigm attracts Narcissistic Paradigm and vice versa.
Motives and Behaviors of the Codependent paradigm
Submissiveness
People operating within this paradigm are submissive. Being submissive is not actually a bad thing in itself, however that depends where it is coming from. If it is a conscious choice to submit to someone else then there is nothing wrong with that and can even be a healthy dynamic. Codependent people however submit compulsively, and submit to anything from a partner. Even abuse. They are scared to resist.
Submissiveness comes from a place where the paradigm sees other people as better. The paradigm sees its host (the codependent person) as bad, weak, and 'deserves' abuse. So the paradigm submits the host to abuse.
Too much empathy
We are not sure there is such a thing as 'too much empathy', however the Codependent paradigm will make its host believe that it needs to support the abuser. That e.g. the abuser had a "bad day" and that is why he / she is acting out. Or that it is the host's fault that the abuser is upset and abusing. The paradigm will hide behind righteousness of 'empathy' or 'nurturance' in order to make the host believe it is doing the right thing: accepting and tolerating abuse.
Lack of Identity
Host of the Codependent paradigm lacks any foundation in internal identity. Actually, its internal identity is to have no identity and to attach to one externally. As such, it seeks someone who can provide it. And Narcissistic Paradigm has such a strong identity, it is the most grandiose one, better than everyone else, one that is the best, that it has plenty of identity to even give to others - or specifically to those that seek it. But it comes at a cost.
It has been said that "Narcissist is one who sees no one but self. And codependent is one who sees everyone but self." It's a perfect match. A disastrous match.
Naivety
Codependent paradigm, having no internal identity, relies on other people and sees them as better. As such, it is naive, gullible, it believes everything on the surface. And it is easily manipulated. Gas-lighting by the narcissist is very effective. It is this naivety and a lack of identity, that a host of the codependent paradigm, leaving an abusive narcissist, will seek and find and join another narcissist. Perhaps not in a romantic relationship, but may be in a religious group, advocacy (e.g. against abusers) group, or somewhere else. Without healing, the codependent is lost in the world, seeking an identity, and it always finds it in a narcissist. Narcissist, also lost in the world, is seeking its narcissistic supply. They always find each other, and the codependent is always gas-lighted (at the beginning stage which can last decades) that the person or group it joined is the right group with good cause.
This applies to a romantic partner but also to a legal system, e.g. during a divorce. The host will feel, if only it shows evidence of abuse, if only it does this or that, the system will see. The people will see. And since the system doesn't see and doesn't care to see, it actually abuses the host more, and then the host goes into acting out:
Acting Out
Acting out can be in many forms. But most of them are
Anxiety
Codependents go through a lot of anxiety. They are abused. They are gas-lighted. They know something is wrong. They constantly try to figure out what it is. The codependent paradigm refuses to accept that it is the abuser that is bad - that is completely against the paradigm's view of the abuser. So the only resolution is that it is the host himself/herself who is bad and cause of all the problems. They are in psychotic delusion. They can't see the reality because it is too painful. Seeing the abuse means the partner is bad, which triggers abandonment fears and fears of losing identity. It needs the external identity. Without it, the host is 'dead'. So, the psychosis serves to 'blind' the host from the abuse, and it directs it inward. It's a trade-off. You give me identity, and I will submit to your abuse which will give you identity.
Depression / Despondency
Codependents may go into depression or despair as they can't figure out how to stop the abuse. The Paradigm will spiral their minds out of control in self-deprecating thoughts, and escalating thoughts of negative outcomes. It's again a psychosis.
Other acting out
The host may act out in many other ways, such as yelling, fighting, being emotionally unstable, telling the abuser in its naivety how it feels, how the abuse hurts, and how it needs to change. It attempts to "work it out". The host is emotional and animate. And the abuser, cool as a cucumber and responding within its own paradigm how the host is wrong. The acting out is actually exactly what the abuser wants. Because it is its, much needed, existentially important:
Narcissistic Supply
All of the acting out, the naivety, the inability to solve this, the complete acceptance of gas-lighting is a source of intoxicating supply for the narcissist. This is what feeds the narcissist a feeling of being alive. In a twist, this is actually what gives the narcissist an identity. The Narcissistic paradigm is 'dead' without this feedback. Narcissist lives through the codependent. All the 'acting out' is what the narcissist wants to do self but can't as it was too dangerous during the time when his / her paradigm was being formed. So here it makes its target, the source of the supply, to do it on his / her behalf. The narcissist feels alive and dominant. It desperately needs the codependent, and the codependent desperately needs the narcissist.
Getting Out
Host of the codependent paradigm eventually learns by him/herself or through a painful and no longer deniable feedback from others (for this reason others are a threat to a narcissist and that's why it may attempt to isolate its source of supply), that it is being abused and attempts to disconnect. However, upon such attempt, the codependent finds itself empty and craves the identity the narcissist externally provided. Many times, the codependent returns. However there is a point, usually, where the pain of abuse is greater than the pain of lack of identity and the codependent successfully leaves the narcissist. When it does, it goes through excruciating pain of the lack of identity. However, at this stage the narcissist also goes through excruciating pain of feeling 'dead', losing its supply, and it feels abused by the codependent (see Narcissistic Paradigm), as such it attacks with vengeance (see Why Abusers Portray their Victims as Abusers?). This is a very fragile time for both.
Paradigm Replication
The reader has been warned.
How does one become codependent? Well, let's look at this. The psychological and scientific research shows that paradigms (e.g. attachment styles) replicate trans-generationally. From a parent (or a caregiver) onto a child. E.g. for a Narcissistic Paradigm, what we call Parental Alienation, is actually a paradigm replication. The abuser sees the codependent as bad, weak, 'deserves abuse'. It will teach the Child to see the parent the same. It will alienate the codependent parent but what it really does is replicates its paradigm onto the child. Yet, if the Child psychologically resists, it will have no choice but to submit to the enormous pressure of the Narcissistic psychological abuse, and thus it will become codependent. The narcissist will raise another narcissist or a codependent (or one of each).
However, the same applies to a codependent. If a codependent parent raises a child, that parent will either see the child as itself ("lacking internal identity"), and will teach the Child to submit to the narcissist: "Daddy just had a bad day", "Let's not make daddy upset", "We have to have dinner ready for daddy as he will be upset". And most likely the child will see the codependent parent being abused and the parent showing no resistance. The codependent paradigm will replicate itself into the Child.
Alternatively, the codependent parent will see the Child as better than the parent itself (child is seen as "source of identity"). Especially, if the codependent parent left the narcissist and now has no external identity to feed off. The Codependent Paradigm will start using the Child as a source of its external identity. The Codependent Paradigm will force the Child to provide it. It will protect the Child from any 'wrong doing' or 'criticism'. It must be the perfect child - in order to be perfect source of external identity. Interestingly, the submissive and nurturing and compassionate parent can become an aggressive protector of the Child (yet the child only, and usually one child only). The Child can do no wrong. Anybody that even hints otherwise, might be attacked. It's a psychosis and a child abuse. The codependent will raise a narcissist. And perhaps now, the reader can understand why the Narcissist, after a separation, will project and reverse the roles, and portray the codependent as an abuser. It really is what the Narcissistic Paradigm sees and there is actually some truth to that.
The codependent and narcissistic paradigms are the same paradigms but on the opposite spectrum. It's Yin and Yang. They desperately need each other, one cannot exists without the other, and they both create itself and each other.
Good news
Experience shows that hosts of the Codependent paradigm, because they always look inward for faults, can actually shift, gain internal identity, stop seeking external one, and heal and become very strong and mature people of society. Even stronger than people who always had secure paradigms and never had to deal with this. This is however a very painful process. Narcissists, because their internal identity is so strong, they believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, do not shift out of their paradigm. They just find another source of narcissistic supply.
Start your Healing - Introduction here.
The codependent MUST HEAL if he / she wants to save himself / herself and the children. If he / she wants to break the trans-generational cycle. The family curse, if you will. He / She MUST HEAL.