This article is focused on abuse by people in romantic relationships and then in post-separation legal proceedings. Of course, abuse extends much further than that.
Yes, we can take the path of a common psychological narrative that abusers were abused as children, and thus they recreate the trauma and thus abuse their victims. But that is not the path we are going to take here.
This is a challenging article as it pushes against modern view of narcissism. However, we MUST re-think narcissism if we want to address it effectively.
Premise
Paradigm
This article is based on a premise that people live within a Paradigm. It's essential to understand the concept explained. How the paradigm fools the host, how it hides, and how the host acts out the paradigm. Reader is encouraged to read the Paradigm article before we proceed.
As a short example. If person's A paradigm makes it believe that abortion is acceptable, that it protects women, then the person will fight for it and will have many logical examples that it is the right thing to do. Within that paradigm, if anybody opposes it, the person may be attacked and perhaps even called misogynist or women abuser.
If person's B paradigm makes it believe that abortion is not acceptable, that human being starts at conception, and that it protects the Child, then this person might fight for it and will have many logical examples that it is the right thing to do. Within that paradigm, if anybody opposes it, the opponent might be attacked. Perhaps even called a child killer, immoral, and going to hell.
There is no overlap between these two paradigms. Person's A attack that the person B is a woman-hater might not stand at all. Person B may not truly be women hater at all, it however focuses on the Child as primary. Reverse applies as well. Person A might not be uncaring for children, it however focuses on the well being of the women and what they go through.
Unless these two people change their paradigm, there is no resolution. Regardless of which 'camp' the reader belongs to (or neither) can the reader attempt to understand the position of a person A from his / her own paradigm (not that you have to agree) and can the reader understand the position of a person B from his / her own paradigm (not that you have to agree)? Being able to do this is essential in understanding this article and why Abusers Abuse. If the reader is unable to do this, it is the limitation of the reader's ability to look past its own paradigm. If the reader feels "Person A should go to hell for killing children" or "Person B should go to hell for abusing women" or something similar, then this article is not for you.
The most important takeaway here is that we live our paradigm, we believe it with all the might, we fight for it with all the might, and we do not realize we are doing it. Within our paradigm, our belief is the Absolute Truth of the Universe. And yes, some paradigms are more rigid than others so it doesn't have to be this black and white. However, Narcissistic Paradigm is very rigid and for it everything is black and white, so the example above applies.
Narcissistic Paradigm
Again, the reader is strongly encouraged to read the article Narcissistic Paradigm. It is essential to understand the concept before understanding this article.
In a brief summary, what do we know about the narcissistic paradigm:
- It believes its host (the narcissist) is better than others, and other people exist to serve it
- It needs a narcissistic supply (various forms for various narcissists)
- It lacks empathy or any moral compass - everything is permissible
- In order to protect itself, it has to stay hidden
- Like any other paradigm, it has a need to replicate itself into Children
As repulsive one may feel above the above, one has to attempt to see the world through the above in order to understand why abusers abuse.
Why Abusers Abuse?
Narcissists need narcissistic supply. For them the supply is existential. Like water, food, air for you, supply is for them. Supply can come in many forms, but most of the time it is control of the victim. If the victim is under narcissistic spell, is acting out, and then is gas-lighted that it is the victim's fault, narcissist is intoxicated with the supply. Yes, it is like an addiction. This is important to understand. The need for the supply has existential component to it. In other words, without food, air, or water, people die. Narcissist feels this way about its supply.
This is the first stage of abuse. Narcissistic paradigm is abusive in it itself. It cannot exist without abuse. It lives to abuse. If the supply is physical pain of its source, it will inflict the pain. If the supply is dominating and emotionally controlling the victim, it will do so. You name it, it does it. And it does it with no regard for the person.
The paradigm however does not see it as abuse. That's important to understand. If a fly lands on your arm and you slap it and kill it, no matter how much empathy you have, you will not feel a thing that you just killed a live organism. This might be an exaggeration (unless the narcissist is a murderer) but narcissists feel the same way about other people. Other people are seen as flies, mules, oxen, just objects to be used for the narcissist.
Victims, usually and eventually, but not always, leave the abuser. And that's when the hell breaks lose as the abuse escalates, the abuser portrays the victim as the abuser, and gets a lot of support from others to enforce this view. Why?
Why Abusers Portray their Victims as Abusers?
Because, if you look at it from the Narcissistic Paradigm's point of view, then the source of the supply (victim) leaving the narcissist and stopping giving it the supply IS abusive. If someone stopped giving you food, or water, while it could give it to you and you have no other means of getting it, and they just decided to stop giving it to you, you would feel abused. And you would be abused. That is abusive. From the Narcissistic Paradigm's point of view, target person (victim) leaving the narcissist and stopping giving it the supply is existentially abusive. They actually feel abused. Can the reader see the psychosis? Can the reader see how narcissists see it and how desperate this event is for them?
And that's not all. The victim, the protective parent that wants protection from the abuser and wants to protect the children (and correctly for both), attempts now to show to the system (lawyers, judges, psychologist) the abuse, it wants to expose the abuser and get protection. Well, that's not how the Narcissistic Paradigm sees it. It sees it as being abused by the victim (for cutting off its supply), and now the same victim is going 'gas-light' the world that it is the victim that is being abused. Can the reader see the mirror here? So abuser strikes back and within its own paradigm it wants severe punishment of the victim who did them so wrong. It's a psychosis. Everything is a projection. Everything is mirrored. But it all makes sense from the Paradigm's point of view.
Now, let's go back from this psychosis to reality. This is not to condone narcissistic abuse. Yet we MUST understand it well if we want to address it properly. Narcissistic Paradigm is abusive in itself and we MUST UNITE to stop it. We MUST re-think how we see narcissism.